I guess it’s off to bed with me. I am going to have to work on the customizations later this weekend.
28 February 2010
I’m Back!!!
Well, now that I have gotten my site back up and running. I only have to find the themes I had been using prior to “incident.” Yeah!!!!
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19 January 2010
19 days in…
Well, it’s been 19 days into the new year. Yay for 2010! Blah. I am tired already. I have this insufferable loneliness and despairing feeling that just won’t let go. I just want something I can’t have. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I need to be happy. I need to be loved. I need to be needed. I have felt this heart-wrenching pain for so long and suffer it silently in public. Tonight, I tried to find solace in the one friend I have who happens to be 1600 miles away. I found nothing though. I know was trying to help, but I couldn’t really get through to him what it is like for me. For so long now, I have felt as though I am on the outside looking in on the world and my own life as it is passing me by. I really do try hard to find the positives each day. However, sometimes even they feel more like a bad thing than a good one.
Why is it so difficult to be that person that people are drawn to? Why is it that I have never been able to successfully navigate social circles, even the small, insignificant ones. Why is that I was always the “ugly” friend and more of a sidekick than the one that people wanted to emulate. I want to be that person. I want to be that person that anyone who knew me would without question pick up arms go side by side with me into hell if I asked. Where do I find that.
People say I am not alone because I have my children. Sometimes being surrounded people physically is more lonely than physical solitude,why is that so difficult to understand?
Why does it seem to much to ask, if there is no sexual context, for someone to want to be with you?
In the past, I have received comments and compliments, but in the end the ones that really “seem” to want be around me only want to have sex. Such is as it has always been. So shamefully I allowed that to determine my “happiness” in the past.– “Am I performing enough for this person? Is he happy with me? — How do you unlearn those traits? Even saying this, I was never actually happy then. It has been storming for so long on the inside I don’t even remember what the sun feels like. Right now, I just feel as though I am an empty shell waiting to be cracked. I find no fulfillment in my life, no fulfillment in my children, no fulfillment in heart. I just want to know how to make all of that come to an end.
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18 December 2009
Away from the sun..
A week of rain. A long week with double drives both Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday brought a field training detail…and a phone call from the school that son goes to. Thursday brought the ever dreaded PT test and the coldest damn day in a month. Friday brought a disturbing check of bank account to find mysterious PS network charges that left me 160 dollars overdrawn. Saturday plans are to finish putting up the Christmas decorations and dragging out the studio equipment to take pictures. Hmm, is this week over yet? I hope so. I am also gearing up for my first new meeting with the new 1st Sergent.
I don’t know what I am going to do with that boy. He spent nearly the entire month of November suspended from school for extreme behavior problems. So badly that the short term provider I had arranged for my family care plan is even unable to keep him because he was frightening the smaller children she keeps during the day. The impulsive anger is getting so out of control and I really want to strangle him sometimes. He was doing very well the last two weeks, doing his classwork and everything. Then Wednesday came. He took a fully loaded gun to school, CID had to investigate and I had to be pulled out of the field duty I was on. Now, when she first told me he brought the gun to school it even had a round chambered. I was absolutely shocked, I don’t own any personal weapons like that. It wasn’t until she finally showed it to me that I seen it was an Air soft pistol. Not that it is okay for a beebee gun to be brought to school, but she was making it sound like had Glock 9Mm or something. I am so ready to pull my hair out. Now he suspended indefinitely. We must attend a disciplinary review board before the determination of his return or expulsion. Due to this action, I now have to take the problem higher up the chain of command for assistance, the downside to that is I could be chaptered out on failure of the family care plan.
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14 December 2009
As the year comes to a close…Part II
This is part two of my year in review.
As I stated so generally before, I am proud my accomplishments for the year. I finally made it through AIT. That has to be the longest part of my so so short career thus far. Having got spend to spend six months in Washington D.C. I learned a lot not just about my field of study but about US history with our weekly excursion to the MANY, MANY, MANY museums in the city. We didn’t get to see everything but we did get to see quite a lot. We visited the National Aquarium in Baltimore, almost all of the Smithsonian Museums. We also seen the all the memorials. I also got the pleasure of reporting to Walter Reed amidst the Inauguration. That was fun, let me tell you. I did get spend another 6 wonderful months from friend I met in San Antonio. If it weren’t for him we probably would have never made it to any of those places. I am still a skittish of big cities.
I remember Memorial Day weekend. We walked all OVER the place trying to find the Iwo Jima Memorial. We never did find it that day. But we did get to watch the changing of the guard at the tomb of the unknown soldier. In fact, in our search for the memorial we did wind up very close. We finally did find it over 4th of July though. My parents actually happened to laid over near DC and got to spend the weekend with me and the kids. I never realized how freaking big that one was! I can’t find my pic, from that trip though. May have to get another set of them from mom. But anyway. That’s all I’ve got for today. Laters!
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13 December 2009
The year comes to a close. Part I
As 2009 comes to a close, we often find ourselves looking back at what we actually got accomplished. For those who set “Resolutions” or some kind of goals…Did you reach any of them? Did you come close? I am pretty proud of what I have accomplished in the past year and although times are bit stressful right now, I look to the new year with the hope that “Things will always get better…”
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Facebook test post
This is just a test posting from the blog to facebook for functionality.
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22 October 2009
The things that make you go hmm…
So during the long and tedious course of the first 2 years of my enlistment I was in training. While training for my first MOS I met someone. Unlike many of my fellow soldiers, I didn’t marry him (either while still in training or anytime thereafter). However, we would hang out quite a bit and even during the second phase of my training, we still we not far from each other. He helped me keep my spirits up and look ahead to what is set out before me. He helped me through the stressing time of my MEB and showed me new avenues and options I would have never though about.
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9 April 2009
12 March 2009
Goals… Step 1
I am going to start setting new goals and timelines for attainment here. The more I think about my career at hand and what I have to look forward to beyond the phase of training I am currently in, the more I realize that just saying I want to go to PA School or become this or that, is not enough. While I am sure this blantantly obvious to everyone (including myself) I never really had the fortitude to follow through with these things. Step one to this whole process is going to be a complete redesign of the site and a mass archiving of all the old and rather tedious bullshit I used to post just to be posting.
This is hopefully going to be the fresh start I need to kick start my ass on the smaller scale of things, before trying to attack the major projects.
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6 December 2008
Hell Week, Part 1
Well, the so called 2 weeks of “hell week” we have all be worried about has started and so far I have made it through week one. Although, this week has be pretty far outside and stressful. The boy has some pretty bad days and ended up in the hopsital. He is going to be there until the 11th. Even with all of the things going on at home, and massive amount of class time I missed I have still made it through the first round of daily graded events. Our last week of class is coming up. I have two more quizzes and two more tests and 2 more station-to-stations. All coming this week. I am confident that I will make it through this coming week, justl ike I made it through last week. All is downhill from there. The following Monday, we go to the field, for 3 days.
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1 December 2008
Turkey’s, gravy, and leftovers.
Well, Thanksgiving turned out to be pretty good. had a 4 day. Yippee! Started on a bit of a sour note as far as training goes. I failed my first exam in micro the last day of class before the holiday. However, it turned out okay by the end of the day. At the end of the day, we did our Phase II selections. I got Washington DC. I am pretty excited about that.
My friend did come and spend the week with me and the kids. That was perfect holiday treat for me. Oh, did I mention that he is stationed only about an hour from where I am going? Yes, “there is a Santa Clause”, lol. so during holiday block leave, I am going to be going up there and scouting around for a new house and everything. One thing is for sure. I am definatly going to have study a little harder. I can’t risk tapping out and having to go somewhere else, or being recycled out of the program. Thus, starts what is commonly refered to as “hell week”, except that we actually have two weeks of it. That mean we have a quiz, one day then a test, then quiz, ect. until the end of the micro cycle. I know will get through it though. I don’t really have an option.
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11 November 2008
Happy birthday Mikey!!!
Well, today my boy turns nine and is the last of my 4 day weekend, only to go to school on Saturday. That kind of sucks, but the good news is, that my friend I mentioned in the earlier post may be able to come for a visit during the Thanksgiving holidays!!! I am so overly excited about that. I haven’t seen him since he left at the end of September. We talk on the phone almost daily and I have missed having him around something awful. He is the first friend I have had in a long time that I find truly reliable and likes me for me. I can share with him like I haven’t been able to share anyone else. Not even the boy’s dad. I am glad to have him as a part of my life and even if I just have to suffer those complications, I know that one thing is certain. I know he will always be there for me no matter what. And THAT my friends, is soooo hard to find these days.
About training:
Like I said this is the last day of the 4-day holiday. We didn’t get any of them while in Hematology/Blood Bank. Microbiology is pretty damn cool though. I am soo loving this stuff. I give Kudos to my friend who turned me onto this MOS. I can’t wait to be done though. That is the only real drawback of the Kilo program, it is a full year long. I spend the first 6 months in classes (phase I), then move onto clinical aspects of it (phase II). My classes are done and over with on 12th of December, but we do have to go to the "field" for a whopping 3 days. Now that’s exciting. That’s it for Phase I. Unfortunately, we leave for holiday block leave and have to come back, just do graduation.
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1 November 2008
It’s been a long year down in "San Antone"
I came to San Antonio in January for 4 months of training as a combat medic. About a month and a half into said training, I was put in for an MEB. Meaning the Service was trying to medically discharge me due an injury (stress fractures) and that just didn’t really work for me so much. I fought this decision and finally won in April. Although I ended up reclassing my MOS I wasn’t really heartbroken about leaving "Whiskey", however it took about 2 months to get it all squared away and in writing that I would start new training "up the hill" for a lab tech. This really excited me and I couldn’t wait to start back in June.
In the midst of all of this I found a true friend in whiskey. A person that, as the song goes…"likes me for me." We began hanging out a lot and learned a lot from and about each other for the time we spent in the whiskey med hold building. Over time our friendship grew and as we became closer to each other things would tend to become slightly complicated. Well I guess we all just learn to live with complications, now don’t we.
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